Overwhelmed

I have said I was overwhelmed in the past.

I'm not so sure I was overwhelmed. I might have been stressed-out. I might have taken on too much. I might have been excessively busy, had too many everyday kind of decisions to make, hemmed and hawed and debated too much because I was insecure about those decisions.

But overwhelmed?

I have a new understanding of overwhelmed. 

NOW is when I am overwhelmed. More than ever. 

I remember feeling overwhelmed by circumstances before now. When Eric resigned from his children's ministry position at the church we loved in the town loved filled with people we thought of as family, where we first put down our married roots, I was overwhelmed. I was pregnant. Our marriage was messy. We had no idea what we were going to do. Yes, I was certainly overwhelmed, but I knew what we were doing was right.

What is happening in our lives now makes that period of our lives look like cake. I would go back and do that again if it meant not having to face this. 

I know God has this. I know He does. I keep telling myself this, and I believe it. I do. I just...want to know how He's got it. I want to know how this will work out for our good. He promises that all things work for our good, but I'm not seeing it. 

Yet.

I'm having trouble believing that I will see the good. But I will. RIGHT?

Overwhelmed. Yeah. That's what I am. That's what we are. Together. United. With a not so messy marriage. That's got to be better.

Overwhelmed.

Father, bring us peace. Replace our anxious hearts with hearts filled with the peace that passes understanding. Show us more of you every single day. Hold our hearts.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the PEACE of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in  Christ Jesus."    

Philippians 4:6-7

Aunt Ruby

May 21st was my Great Aunt Ruby's birthday. Most people barely know their great aunts, but not me. I knew her well. I loved her. She loved me. We spent time together just because. We didn't need a reason. I would ask to spend weekends at her house. I don't remember going anywhere or doing anything special while I stayed there most of the time. We played cards and watched TV. She cooked delicious meals from scratch and always had those caramel candies with the swirl of powdered sugar in them. She never let us be lazy, insisting we help wash the dishes or vacuum the carpet or dust. She smelled like Absorbine Junior, and, because of that, I will always love the menthol smell and think of her when I smell it. 

She was my Aunt Ruby, and I adored her.

When I was a very little girl, I remember going to see Aunt Ruby and Uncle Curt when we were in the area for a visit. We would sit on their front porch watching the dogs run after balls we tossed to them, or we would sit in their living room and watch birds chase each other off the bird feeder. Uncle Curt got sick when I was still very little, and I remember going to his funeral. His mother's antique cedar chest sits in my bedroom. I cherish it, and I will always remember Uncle Curt and Aunt Ruby when I look at it. It will be passed to Ava some day, and I will tell her the stories that I am sharing with you and teach her the lessons we can learn from Aunt Ruby's life.

I was thinking about Aunt Ruby this morning as I was writing in my journal, wishing I could sit with her across the table from me sipping coffee together, wishing I could seek her wisdom that can only be gleaned with time. I started thinking about the things she went through in her life. The Roaring 20s were the first decade of her life followed by the Great Depression. World War. Miscarriage after miscarriage. Adoption. Raising a nephew. The heartache a mother feels when her son goes astray. The joy and elation when he figured things out and learned to love Jesus instead of alcohol. Burying that son when his body gave out much too early. Burying two husbands. Sickness.

Aunt Ruby would have wise words for me right now. I know she would. I can't even explain how much I would love to hear what she would say to me right now. So many decisions lay heavy on my heart. No one can make the decisions for me, though I am grateful that my husband is leading the way. But the advise that 94 years of wisdom could offer me? Yeah. I would love that. Everyone has opinions, but so few have that kind of wisdom, discernment, and experience to back it up, you know?

Aunt Ruby has been gone for almost 11 years, and, this year, when I'm going through so many troubling things myself, I think I miss her more on her birthday than I ever have. She was good to me and to so many other people too. I loved her.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

When we were little kids, most of us were told at one time or another to say we were sorry, give each other a hug, and go play. Then, we were expected to run across the playground together, hand in hand, ready to play red rover or climb to the top of the jungle gym like nothing ever happened.

You mess up; you say you're sorry, and everything is fixed.

Oy.

If only it were that easy.

Is it even possible to forgive and forget? Maybe my memory is longer than yours, but I suspect you don't forget any easier than I do. When people wound your heart, you remember.

For a long time. 

Maybe forever. 

Forgiveness doesn't require you to forget.

There is so much pressure in this whole forgiveness thing because so many people have it wrong. Forgiveness is for you, not them. That's truth. You forgive because it releases you from being destroyed inside. Unforgiveness will fester inside you until you are bitter and cold and barely recognize yourself. I've watched this happen to people. There is someone in my life that I would love to have known before she lived with decades of unforgiveness in her heart. I see glimpses of a pretty remarkable person. I'd like to know that person, but, short of God doing a miracle in her heart, I don't know that I ever will.

The playground model doesn't work for me. The Bible says, "Guard your heart," for a reason. I'm not harboring unforgiveness, but I am also not stupidly pretending like things are the way they were. I'm not brushing anything under the rug as if it never happened. I can't do that. It isn't just my heart that was wounded. It was the hearts of my husband and children. Guarding my heart is important, but guarding their hearts is even bigger on my scale. Reconciling doesn't always mean that you go back to the way things were. It isn't always possible. Sure, have a relationship with that person again, but some wounds are too deep to be completely forgotten. Trust isn't something you should throw around. It is earned over years and lost in a split second. It takes wisdom and discernment to know whether or not someone should be trusted again. Right now, my heart says no.

I pray for the people who have wounded my family, and I sincerely hope they come to the understanding that what they have done has caused such a great rift that I believe only God can heal it, although this may be more about lessons learned than it is about healing relationships. I don't expect things to ever be the same. The longer you allow things to continue, the less likely you are to ever have what was once there, no matter how close you once were, no matter how closely related you are. If a person allows their own pride to dictate silence, they are actually screaming, "You aren't important  to me!!!"

Silence speaks louder than any words ever could.

Once you've known how unimportant you are for so long, you learn to live without the person.

Because you have to.

Because that's the only way to get past that hurt.

Because that's the only way you can survive.

I'm asking you, my readers, to pray for me and my family right now. We are all in various stages of forgiveness and reconciliation. Pray that we all are able to forgive completely and let go.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Baked Oatmeal

Want to simplify your Mother's Day and still offer something somewhat healthy for breakfast? Try this! You can mix it together on Saturday and have your husband toss it into the oven on Sunday morning!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Baked Oatmeal

1/3 C butter, melted
2 eggs
1/2 C brown sugar or honey
1 1/2 t baking powder
1 1/2 t vanilla extract
1/4 t salt
1/4 C cocoa powder
1/3 C peanut butter
1 1/4 C milk
3 C oats (steal cut or quick oats)

Melt your butter. Grease 2 quart baking dish. Add eggs to dish and beat well. Add brown sugar, baking powder, vanilla, and salt and whisk together. Add cocoa powder, peanut butter, and milk and whisk until peanut butter is mostly combined. Add oats and stir to combine continuing to combine peanut butter evenly.

Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes or until center is set.

Serve warm with warm milk or cream poured over it.

Note: You can substitute milk of choice for milk if you prefer a dairy-free recipe. Almond milk works well!

Stop with the Salt and Light

Yikes! WHAT is she going to write about with a title like THAT???

 

I got an indirect jibe this week via Facebook. Some people are so passionate about what they believe that they simply aren't capable of opening their minds to the possibility that another way of doing things just might be okay,or, dare I say, better? I have learned not to close my mind to the possibility that I might not have everything 100% figured out. Or 50% figured out. Or...at all figured out.

Christians are called to be salt and light. To have an effect on the world, we must be in the world and not of it. Have you heard all of this, Christian readers? Sure you have. This is one of the basic truths of our mission as Christians.

What is not a basic truth of our mission as Christians is that our children are supposed to be evangelizing the world. Children are put into our lives for us to evangelize and disciple them, not for them to be evangelizing others. There are countless scriptures that support this truth. COUNTLESS.

Would you send a child into any other vocation to do an adult's job? Nope. Sure wouldn't.

I'm not saying that a child can't have a heart for evangelism. I'm just saying that God did not design for children to be doing what they have not yet been prepared to do. It is our job as parents to train them up in the way they should go and to protect them until they are ready.

So don't use "salt and light" as your excuse to put your kids in public school, and please don't even think of trying to tell me that I should put my kids in public school so they can be salt and light either. 

And...for the record, this isn't an anti-public school, all Christians should homeschool kind of post. This is a "stop the salt and light" guilt trip. It simply isn't true. It doesn't hold up to scriptural truth. So...don't do it.

The Homeschool Mother's Journal

In my life this week...

This week was so, so busy. Isn't every week? I feel like I made it to the weekend and only want to relax and be lazy, but that isn't in the cards this weekend. I did get some moments to relax this week while listening to local artists performing at the Dogwood Festival three afternoons (artists performed each day, but we were only able to attend 3 times). We heard several ensembles from local schools, and today a man named Jerry Wright performed in the gazebo alone with his banjo and a sound system that he ran himself. I have to tell you, this man made my day. He was wonderful. At some point in his life, he played on a river boat, performed with a band in various minstrel shows traveling all over the place, and played somewhere in New Orleans. This afternoon, he performed music as far back as 1923 (Gershwin. Yay!), and the newest piece he performed was from Cabaret which debuted in the 1960s. At the end of his performance, a fellow former band member joined him to sing a few numbers. There are four of them left(these men had to be in their 80s). The rest have passed. They've still got "it" and I'm so glad the Pomerene Center scheduled Mr. Wright to perform today. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and so did my kids!

In our homeschool this week...


Monday was the most productive and wonderful school day that we have had in months. Probably since before Christmas. Really. It was the ideal school day. Even with the Dogwood Fest concert sandwiched into the middle of the day, we got everything done that I planned to do, and we had fun doing it. 

We learned this week about the causes of the Civil War. I love that this curriculum (Homeschool in the Woods Time Travelers) teaches so much more than what is traditionally learned about the Civil War in most of our public schools. The projects are easy and fun. My kids are enjoying it so much, and I am also. I love history. This curriculum is just ideal for us.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share...

Plan. I know so many people who fly by the seats of their pants, and, when push comes to shove, I do the same thing. However, when I took an hour to plan the details of this school week? I found that we accomplished so, so, SO much more. It's basically a visual checklist for me to see what we've done. Plus, I'm a list kind of gal. I love checking off math, Explode the Code, reading....It makes me so happy. :)

I am inspired by...

Truth spoken boldly. I wish I chose to be so bold. Why don't I?

Places we're going and people we're seeing...

Lukas has a soccer game tomorrow, and, in the evening, the kids will be at church for a dress rehearsal. They're performing a spring musical on Sunday. Ava has a solo, and Lukas has a speaking part and a solo. They're excited! My parents will be coming to church with us to see them perform, and then they'll be coming to our house afterward to celebrate Mother's Day together.  

My favorite thing this week was...

The Dogwood Festival concerts were definitely the highlight of my week.

What's working/not working for us...

I decided this week to eliminate Ava's reading comprehension workbook. With vision therapy happening everyday, her eyes are very, very taxed. This was a hard decision because I feel like this workbook has helped her to improve so much in her reading skills (not necessarily in comprehension, however, since she doesn't struggle with that), but something had to go. Her spelling needs more work than her comprehension skills, so we're eliminating the workbook so that she can excel at some of the other tasks she has to do each day. Once we are finished with vision therapy, we'll revisit this decision. Her eye doctor said that her eyes are going to be extremely tired until this is done, so I feel like this was a good decision. The principal approves, and Ava is relieved. As a second grader, her school work has been taking 45-60 minutes LONGER than her 5th grade brother. Yeah. Something had to go.

Questions/thoughts I have...

The tooth fairy visited my 10 year old last week. I found myself wondering how long one should allow a child to believe in such things as the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. The world is always pushing kids to mature past childhood, and then the same world tells children it's okay to be stuck in adolescence for an extra decade. When you watch television or read any piece of modern literature, it is standard belief in today's society that a person should use the entire decade of their 20s to discover themselves. What exactly do they need to discover?

Things I'm working on...

Controlling my tongue and temper. 

I'm reading...The Lesser Hills of Kinder County by Dr. Patrick Johnston. I'm halfway through it, and I am very much enjoying it.



I'm cooking...

Spaghetti and meatballs this weekend.

I'm grateful for...

My noisy street. Truthfully, I don't like living on this street at all, but the other day I started thinking about how the upstairs of this house reminds me so much of our first apartment. That lead me to thinking about the much, much noisier road on which we lived during that year. It was the state highway that ran through Marion, IN where we went to college. Traffic slowed down in town, but, still, it was noisy! The first night I slept there after our honeymoon, I thought semi-trucks were going to come through our bedroom window! The old, rickety windows rattled like they were going to fall out of their frames. I loved that apartment. Haha! Anyway, I am grateful that this noisy street and this house that is not in my ideal location brought back some of those fun memories of our first year of marriage.

I'm praying for...

Provision.

A photo/video/link/quote I'd like to share...

"Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or keep one." Robert E. Lee