The Homeschool Mother's Journal

In my life this week…

We're adding some normal back into our lives. This evening, my husband will help me to un-decorate the tree and haul all the Christmas decorations to the attic. Yes, I am completely aware that it is the middle of January, but it is what it is. Yep. I'm certainly overusing that phrase these days. 

I'm supposed to call a probate lawyer this week. I went to my parents' house today to meet the company from which my Dad had rented a bed for Mom. The bed is gone. There is a big hole in the house. Lukas washed the dishes because I cleaned out their refrigerator. 

It seems like this week is a week of undoing. Undecorating. Emptying. 

In our homeschool this week…

We began a very loose routine yesterday. Parts of it feel great. We're not sleeping late so we can have our regular family Bible study time before my husband heads to work. It is such a blessing in our day to do this. Other parts don't feel great, but we're making it work. We began our schooling part of this day with art. Yep. We pushed academics during the fall, and now we're pushing art and writing and reading great books. Ava asked if she could read a certain Frog and Toad book yesterday. I tried to convince her in November that she was ready for it. She insisted that she must keep reading The Beginner's Bible, and I had so much going on that I didn't pick that battle. Now she has skipped half of the Beginner's Bible plus three other books on the Sonlight reading list she's working through. She is doing so very, very well. I'm so proud of her progress over the past year!

So this week will consist of a lot of laid-back schooling. Ava will read to me each day. Lukas will do his math. We will paint and sketch and paste and write silly stories. We will read The Black Stallion aloud. Daddy will read about Nate Saint to us before bedtime. It will be a blessing learning and living life together.

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

Yesterday, we had a meltdown in our house. I was discussing math with my 11 year old because I thought he was going to have to work 6 days a week to catch up if he wanted to finish by the end of May. It turns out that I was wrong, but I digress. Lukas said to me, "But Mom, we did what we needed to do. We needed to be with Nana." Yes. We sure did, Buddy. I was so proud of him. I wasn't at all concerned about him not being where we thought he would be at this point in the school year, and neither was he. My children learned the most valuable lessons in the past three school years. If you have a loved one who is ill or needs extra time and care from you, don't be afraid to slow down, skip a day or twenty. This is the blessing of homeschooling. These are the most important life lessons our children will ever learn, and they are far more important than any academic lesson there is to be learned.

I am inspired by…

Music. This is the last song I sang in church, and I made sure Eric recorded it since my mom was unable to attend to hear it, so it is also the last song my Mom ever heard me sing. Of course, I'm no Kari Jobe, but isn't this song beautiful? As I watched my mama slipping away a little more each day, I kept hearing the words to this song and pondering the lyrics and picturing Jesus saying these very words to my mama. I didn't realize Jesus was whispering to Daddy too. This song has been such an incredible blessing to me over the past month and a half. I hope it is a blessing to you too.

 
Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…

This coming weekend, Ava has been invited to two birthday parties. She's pretty excited about it even if it does mean that her own birthday party has been pushed to the next weekend. 

My favorite thing this week was…

I got a precious email from a friend yesterday, and I am so grateful to her for it. 

What’s working/not working for us…

I don't really care about what isn't working right now. What is working is doing what we need to do in the moment and not planning too far in advance.

Questions/thoughts I have…

I know a lot of people get stuck dwelling on why things happen the way that they do. I have certainly wondered why God chose to take both my parents home in such a short time, but I don't find myself dwelling there. I find myself noticing little things that are blessings, or little things that could be the reason. I don't even want to know a definitive reason. I'd like to think that because the Father loved my daddy more deeply than I could possibly imagine, He chose to rescue him from his grief, and, in that, I see one of the most beautiful blessings of my life. The reality of this for me is that...some blessings hurt.

Things I’m working on…

Counting my blessings. Organizing and cleaning my house. Cleaning and sorting Mom and Dad's house. Remembering to stop and let myself think.

I’m reading…

The Sound of the Trumpet by Gilbert Morris. The Black Stallion by Walter Farley (which just happened to be what we were already half-way through when my Dad passed away. It was a boyhood favorite of his).

I’m cooking…

Homemade macaroni and cheese, ham, mixed veggies. Check out The Pioneer Woman's mac and cheese recipe. It's so delicious!

I’m grateful for…

I could write a book about how incredible my husband has been over the course of the past couple months. Besides the fact that he immediately wanted to move to this little town two years ago when my mom got sick, he has been here doing so much for me. He took care of anything my parents needed that I couldn't do. He took over some cleaning and cooking duties when I was too busy taking Mom to chemo or Dad to an eye appointment. He helped plan both funerals and made phone calls. He tells me to slow down and take it easy and not to worry. He prays with me. This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg. Eric is so many wonderful things for me, and I am so grateful for him.

I’m praying for…

My children, my sister and her family, my husband, my extended family and friends of my parents.

Grieving Thoughts One Month Later

I've replaced my blog background with one that is filled with my mother's favorite colors. I love it. What do you think?

Today marks one month since my mother passed away. Last night as I climbed out of my car and peered at the starlit night sky, I thought about that early morning when she died. The stars were beautiful, just like they were last night. A starry night will always remind me of my mama.

I have been doing the silliest things over the last month. After Mom died, I began to talk to her in my head or out loud. All rational thought tells me that she can't hear me, and, yet, I do it. I talk to Dad too. I don't know if there's a party line in heaven for things like this. Truthfully, I don't know if I even want them to hear some of the things I'm saying to them. This grieving process that I'm going through isn't pretty. This is the hardest thing I've ever muddled through. I keep thinking that losing two parents at once just isn't supposed to happen. I feel like a little girl who has lost her way. I don't think I realized while they were living how much I really depended on them for things like advice, encouragement, belief in my abilities, and long random conversations about whatever came to mind. I mean, I treasured them, and I let them know that. I think I did, at least. Even so, I think I really didn't realize how deep our relationships ran. I am so very grateful for that.

I haven't heard my mama's sweet voice for a month. I haven't seen that half-humored, half-completely supportive look she got on her face when I detailed one of my crazy, over-analyzed, thought processes to her. I have heard her in my head reminding me not to plan so much, to take it easy, to enjoy life more and do less. Yeah. For those things, I really needed my mama's voice. I'm glad to hear that in my head. Right now in this season of grief, I need to cling to that. Slowing down is what we need to do sometimes;although, this Christmas tree staring me in the face across the room has to go sometime before it drives me batty. It's the middle of January, right?

I never imagined that daily tasks could be so hard to accomplish. Even eating feels like a chore right now. I looked over some books at our local Christian bookstore, but none of them seemed to be the right fit for what I need right now. The running theme seemed to be, "Give yourself permission to grieve." Okay. 

Permission granted.

What great books on the grieving process have you read? I'm taking any and all recommendations. Right now, I find myself clinging to the Lord while dreading my quiet time each day at the same time. I realize this makes no sense, but it is what it is. I might say that too much lately. "It is what it is." Yes, it is. 

Here's the thing, I want to cry sometimes because I feel the Lord healing my soul as the tears run down my cheeks, but, sometimes, I don't, and those are the times when I don't want to focus on my quiet time because it seems like I cry every single day during my quiet time. I need Jesus right now, and I know He knows what I need, so, if I need to cry, I guess that's what I'm going to do. Apparently, I'm going to do so every single day when I spend time with Him. 

Oy.

I hope that someone out there is helped a little by reading these posts, whether frequent or few I can't promise. I hope that I am helped by it also. 

What I learned from book jackets and introductions is this...No one defines my grieving process. 

What I learned from editing this post? Cohesive thought is a little bit harder than normal right now. I should end this post now. This post...really needs someone to offer it some TLC.

My Story of Loss

I've written at least half a dozen unpublished posts in the past three and a half weeks.. Some of them are rambling. Some of them have brief snippets that are publishable, but mostly they are long, twisted columns of words that say the same thing:

I miss my mama. I miss my daddy. They are both...gone.

Mom passed away quietly in her sleep on 12/12/12. I met Dad at the nursing home before the sun was even above the horizon. Stars still lit the early morning sky. We sat in the room with mom for a couple hours sorting our feelings a little before getting started on funeral plans. We knew that moment was coming, but we thought we had more time. We didn't, but we were able to say without hesitation that we made the most of the time we had.

Dad passed away just 2 1/2 weeks later. It was unexpected. Completely. We did not see it coming. It was difficult and heartbreaking.

The past month and a half has been quite a whirlwind I will never forget the physical response my body had when my mom discontinued her chemo treatments, nor the even more powerful physical response my body had the morning she died. Knowing it was coming may have made it easier to process, or so I was told, but it did not make it easy to lose her. I remember wondering in those first days after Mom passed away whether or not it really did make it easier.

I can say now that I believe it did. Because we had no warning that Dad was going to pass away. That unexpected loss was crushing. It took my breath away. I sobbed beside his hospital bed when his heart stopped beating.

Watching Daddy grieve Mom's loss was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Christmas was so hard for him. He grieved so very deeply for Mom. His heart was completely and totally broken. Our Daddy loved our Mama. They had the kind of love that held them together no matter what happened. It was...

Johnny and June love.

Romeo and Juliet love.

In the two years that my mom battled cancer, my dad bent over backwards to take care of her, but that's what he did my entire life. He showered her with gifts. He called her several times each day. The day after she died? He tried to call her just to say, "I love you, Baby," before he realized what he was doing and hung up the phone and called me instead. He researched every cancer treatment he could find, and they tried every natural treatment available. He desperately tried to hang onto her, and he encouraged her that she would recover right down to her last day in this world.

I am so glad that Daddy is no longer grieving and that he has joined Mom in heaven with Jesus. He had such a beautiful, imaginative picture of heaven in his mind, and I am sure that it is even more than he ever dreamed it to be. 

But oh how I miss him, and oh how I miss her.

It was Daddy who gave us advice (whether or not we wanted it). It was Mom who was an expert in the kitchen. It was Daddy who fixed things or told us how to fix things. It was Mom who listened when everything was falling apart. It was Daddy who was there for us when we needed him the most. It was both of them who would call just to chat, stop by just for 5 minutes to say hello, call and invite us to a spur-of-the-moment lunch or dinner...

Maybe the grief is worse this time because I was still shedding tears each day for Mom. Maybe it's worse because we didn't have time to prepare ourselves. Maybe it's worse because I sat in a hospital for 3 days watching him slip away. I don't know why. I just know that I feel like I've been sucker punched right in the gut.

For whatever reason, I feel like there are moments when I'm so filled with grief that it just spills over, and there isn't always someone there to catch it. I can't seem to get it under control. There are moments when I'm fine, and, if you ask me, I will tell you the truth. Many times this week I have said, "Right now, I am fine." I have also truthfully answered, "I'm not doing well today."

However, the ultimate truth is that I am always well. My soul? It is well.  It is always well with my soul. In spite of it all, I will always know that my soul is well. Daddy's soul is well, and Mom's soul is well. They are dancing on streets of gold, sitting at the feet of Jesus, laughing with Him about the looks on the disciple's faces when they saw him walking on that water.