I need a moment.
To breathe deeply.
To listen to gentle, quiet music and the rain on the street as cars whisk by.
I need...a moment.
I don't get many quiet moments lately, and I don't get time to plan much. I am a planner by nature. I find that it prevents a lot of stress and anxiety for me. I still procrastinate at times, but I generally have everything planned. I am an oxymoron, the artist who plans each day in an orderly fashion. It is who I am, a unique mix of stereotypes allowing me to fall short of any stereotype. I love this about myself, though it is not doing me any favors lately.
This morning, my plan was to have a productive school day. The problem with that is that I didn't have school plans written. While this is okay sometimes, it is not okay for a whole month. At some point, flying by the seat of my pants becomes catastrophic to the education of my children. Or, it becomes catastrophic to my brain, which is probably more accurate since the kids really don't care. You can imagine that our homeschool isn't functioning very smoothly these days. What are we learning? I don't know. Empathy. Sympathy. Generosity. Flexibility. Patience. Grace. Mercy. Love. Kindness. Goodness. Self-Control. Still, the guilt I feel when we miss a day or half a day or have an unproductive, chaotic day is overwhelming at times. We aren't having a lot of great school days. Why? Because I didn't plan for them to be great. I know how I tick. If I want greatness, I have to plan for it.
Let me add a brief aside here. You may be thinking, "What? Then those kids should go to school." I assure you, they are still getting all that they need and then some. Plus, we are not required to wrap our schooling into the public school box, which means we have 12 months to complete a year's worth of school, which is how we accomplished last year. So, have no fear, the children are being educated.
End of aside.
Last Friday, I planned to spend the day at my mom's house, helping her with anything she needed, making sure she was well cared for, teaching school while she napped. What actually happened was nothing like that. I spent the afternoon making and waiting on phone calls while my kids hulled up in my parents' bedroom watching television and being as quiet as church mice. An ambulance showed up around 3:45 to take Mom to a nursing care center, where she should have been taken immediately upon release from the hospital the previous night. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening getting Mom settled, talking to a nurse who had no idea how to care for mom's G-tube and stomach, and visiting with Mom. It all worked out, but, you know, it was stressful in the process.
Also on Friday, I planned for our family to participate in the Live Nativity at our church. This was planned long before Mom started getting this sick. If Mom had already been on this path, we would not have participated, but I think it was the Lord's plan for us to do so this year. It was good for us even if we did miss one evening. We ended up not making it on Friday, but we were able to be there on the other two nights of the event.
Plans change. I have to learn to deal with it better, to go with the flow, and...
To find moments of peace.
To make moments of peace.
Quiet. Solitude. Gentle music. Prayer. Soaking in the season. Soaking in Jesus. Breathing deeply.
So what am I saying in this most chaotic post? I need to plan for moments with Jesus, and maybe more moments than I am used to planning. Morning quiet times are wonderful, my greatest daily blessing, but maybe I need more right now. I don't know. Maybe I don't even know what I need. I needed to write this even if it doesn't make sense. I needed a friend to pray with me. I needed a hug from my husband when he stopped to grab his lunch. I needed my son's help making lunch. I didn't plan any of those needs, nor did I plan to have those needs met.
Maybe I don't need to plan for everything. Maybe what I need more than anything is to trust. The Father knows what I need, and He's ready to meet those needs before I even know they are there. I need to trust the Father. His plans are better than mine anyway.
Oh, dear Jesus, carry me through this season. Show me what is important, and help me to not suffer any guilt when I don't get it all done, when I'm not sure if I chose the best thing for the moment. When the tasks of the day are overwhelming, and I have to choose to let something go, make it obvious what the something should be. Father, hold me in your loving arms. Allow me to rest in your lap, Abba Father. Remind me of Your everlasting love. Thank you, Jesus. I love you.
In Jesus Name...