22 May 2013

Grace and Icing on the Cake

The last two months have been jam-packed. There have been few days for reflection or rest, and I find myself longing for a break in the chaos. "Two more weeks!" I keep telling myself that we're almost at the end of the busy season, and that is what has been coercing me through each day.

On Monday of this week, I had a brief moment of surprised realization. I stood in my kitchen cooking dinner and thought to myself, "This day feels normal." I didn't follow that thought with anything else. There was no, "Is that okay?" because I know that it is. I also knew that everyday wasn't going to feel normal quite yet, and that is also okay. The new normal is coming, and that is okay.

Someone dear to me has been traveling a hard road this week, and I find myself wondering why, and then I realize that it is presumptuous to even think that I need to know why. It isn't for me to know, or I already would. I say all the trite things that don't really matter, and then I find that the most wisdom, the most comfort, the most sympathy, empathy, understanding...sometimes comes in silence. So I offer her no words except that I love her with all my heart, that I hate what she faces, that I am praying for her, with her, and crying.

Last Sunday I stood in church singing with all my heart, "Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough for me!" Suddenly, it hit me. Is it? Do I really believe that? "Is Your grace enough?" Do I live that? Shouldn't I? If I sing it, if I not only sing it alone but as a lead worshiper, shouldn't I fully embrace this truth? Is His grace enough?

Of course it is! That is truth. 

His grace is enough. 

Everything else is icing on the cake. Why have I not recognized this, fully lived it?  

His grace is enough. 

He is all I need. All those blessings are because He loves me, favors me, wants to give me a great big hug, because I am his kid. I don't deserve them. I don't even deserve his grace, but I see for the first time that, truly, His grace is fully and completely all I need.

This morning, my phone rang early. One missed call from Aunt Linda, one from my sister. I knew. Uncle Donald was gone, passed early this morning. I called to confirm the news, and then I spent today reflecting. This uncle of mine was my mom's nearest to her age sibling, her first brother, four years younger than she. He was quiet and kept to himself, rarely seeking conversation. I saw him often as a child, spoke to him little, knew him barely. As an adult, it was much the same. I wonder what I missed, though I will never find out because he preferred it this way. His choice. I respected it.

I have a funeral to attend this weekend in a town I rarely have opportunities to visit. My grandparents are long gone, but I will go to their home where my aunt lives with her husband, and I will miss them, and I will miss Mama, and I will go to the funeral home, and I will hurt. I hurt now thinking about it. I am crushed for my aunts and uncle who have lost two siblings plus my father, their brother-in-law since they were little kids themselves, in such a short time. I breathe deeply. I sigh. I cry. I pray. I reflect.

And I remember that revelation moment on Sunday as I was singing. His grace is enough. In the busyness and chaos, His grace is enough. When the days start to feel normal and when they don't, His grace is enough. When life is weighing on the crux of His hand, and we don't know what is going to happen, praise Him for the life because His grace is enough. When death and funerals and remembering cut your chest to the depths of your heart and you feel real, physical pain, His grace is enough.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

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