I want to blog. I don't know if I'll post the finished product or not (if you're reading this, you can assume that I posted it). This is how I think best. I write it. It sounds ridiculous. I delete three paragraphs. I write 4 more. I delete 2. I write another and realize that maybe what I'm writing doesn't make any sense to anyone other than me. Sometimes, that's okay. Sometimes it doesn't matter if it makes sense to someone else. Writers may often claim that they write for an audience, and we truly do, but when our hearts are hurting or we just can't decipher the tangled details of our lives, we write for ourselves. Thinking is easier when I force myself to take the time to write my thoughts. So here I am, writing my thoughts and considering whether or not I should share them with the world. Does anyone really want to read about what I think when those thoughts are raw, uncomfortable and intimate? Does anyone really want to hear more dismal, humdrum ramblings from the girl with all the problems? Haven't I written this before? Am I just re-writing old blog posts because I want to rant about whatever is on my mind at the time? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. It is what it is. I need to think, and so I write.
Maybe I don't have lots of problems. I just have a few. My life is blessed. I have said that many times during my blogging years. I see the blessings. I notice them every day. I'm not one who habitually overlooks my blessings. My husband and children know the Lord. I serve in an amazing church where people are loved and return that love to others. I can see God's handiwork in my own backyard as spring bursts forth from the trees and grass and even in the dandelions which seem to be much more present in my yard than the surrounding yards. My kids are healthy other than what appears to have turned into a sinus infection for Lukas. My kids are spoiled with attention. Schooling them is a daily dose of joy throughout the week. I could go on and on about the blessings in my life. I've mentioned them before, but that's not why I want to blog today.
I want to whine. I want to scream. I want to complain. I want to stomp my feet and shake a fist or two and throw another tantrum. I talked to God today about all of this. I talked more pointedly than some probably believe that I should. Don't you think that God can handle that? I told the Creator of the universe that I want an escape hatch. These circumstances aren't making me happy. I don't care if it's what I need anymore. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to avoid reality for a few days. I want a vacation to nowhere. I told him how I was feeling and why I felt that way. I asked Him a few questions that started in why and mostly included the word "me" in them.
I stopped. I wrote down my thoughts in a blog(as you can see). I saw how I was acting in this mirror to my soul which the computer screen provides for me as I type. I took a deep breath and released the kind of sigh you offer yourself when you realize that you are the one in the wrong, that you are the one who needs to make something happen, that you are the one that needs to give up, to confess, to trust, to remain faithful to all the things that you know are just and good and righteous. And what shall I write next?
I give up. I raise my hands in praise to the Lord because this is right. I offer all I have. I choose this path because it is the one which he laid out before me whether or not I want an escape hatch, a vacation, a reality escape. It is what it is. It's the path I have been given, and I will follow it to the very end because I love my Father. Because He loves me. Because he suffered for me more than I can ever imagine suffering for Him. Because I made this promise to serve, to trust, to be faithful, to choose righteousness and pursue Christ. I choose to do what is right even when it is everything I can do to calm the shouting in my head that urges me...to run.
Father, forgive me for my attitude. Forgive me for the audacity to question You, the creator of my very soul. Forgive me for not trusting you, for not having even the faith of a mustard seed at times, for lacking in so many ways. Thank you for my blessings. Thank you for your provision. I have seen you work in mighty ways in my life, and I will forever remain grateful for those acts. Daddy, please hold me tonight. I need YOU, Jehovah Shalom, to hold me in your loving arms and give me peace. I will put my trust in you even when I don't see where this is going. I believe that you know what is best for me, your child. I know that you will not harm me because your word says so. I know that you have hopeful plans for my future, for the future of my husband and my children. I trust you. I need you. I love you, Father. May your path be my path. I will follow wherever you lead, and if this is where you leave me for one more day, one more month, one more year, then I know there is a reason for that. Teach me what I need to know. Show me what I am missing. Make my desires your desires. Your will, not mine, Lord, is what I want. Don't take me from this place before I have learned the lessons you desire to teach me here. Oh, Father, that is a hard prayer for me to offer, but I give myself to you to do with me what you will. Show me that path, and I will praise you for it. Whatever you give me, Lord, I will praise you for it. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. You are awesome and wonderful, and I will remember that. In Jesus Name I pray all these things...Amen