My quest to capture all that is meant for my good is on-going. I am reading One Thousand Gifts at a snail's pace, but I am absorbing it, thinking it through, analyzing, researching. It might take me a few months complete this journey. Most of the time, I save the book for the end of my quiet time, and then I read a partial chapter a few times a week. Some days, like today, it seems that the Lord is divinely directing me to read the pages of the book.
I have spent many moments crying lately. Difficult waves of emotion are mixed with the good, which is harder to find as of late. I see it, but I can't seem to grasp the happiness and joy long enough to sustain myself. I want more joy and less difficulty.
I have little patience for myself when it comes to feelings of sadness. I scream at myself in my head. "Push yourself! Get through this! Don't slow down!" Sometimes, I speak the words aloud. "Today, you are going to do what you have to do." And I do.
As I was sitting still to have my quiet time today, I began by writing in my private journal as I normally do. It wasn't long before the tears were streaming down my face as I relived precious moments with my mother, bittersweet time with my daddy.
God directed me to read from One Thousand Gifts on this specific day. The words were there for me to read. It was divinely directed that I read the chapters of this book at a snail's pace so that on this very day, when I needed to hear Ann Voskamp's inspired words, I would know that God planned them for me.
I know. I truly know that God is carrying me through this, allowing me to weep, listening as I pray, holding me in the palm of his almighty hand. God is God, and God is good, and I know this to be truth.
273. She still holds my hand. Her choice.
281. "I love to read."
291. Rowen's voice
296. The worn pink-gray leather of my Bible, well loved for nearly 20 years
303. Bedtime conversation with 9 year old Ava
305. Piggies with bright pink hair bows