A Tale of Two Decembers

Christmas.

I love it.

I'm going to be totally honest here and tell the blogosphere that we came into this Christmas season flat broke, and not because we have been poor stewards or have been walking in disobedience, though there were lessons God needed to teach us through our flat-brokeness (I decided that was a word as I wrote it). My husband was working his tail off in a place that wasn't employee-friendly doing a job that he didn't love, and, when those two things combine with the fact that his job was 100% commission based, you can imagine that we've been struggling to get by. So, right before Thanksgiving, Eric took a new job. Unfortunately, the time period between the training for the job and actually starting the job and then getting paid for his first week in the field left us without a paycheck for 3 days shy of a month.

And it was Christmas.

Although in ideal circumstances, we would have chosen to save for Christmas gifts all year, we found ourselves in a position in which we had no cash, no plan, and no idea how we were going to make this Christmas great. Our kids didn't even make Christmas lists or ask for anything because they knew things weren't good. It was not the easiest thing to think about the possibility of having an empty tree, and since I don't believe for a second that God is in the business of disappointment, I decided not to think about it and to wait on a miracle. Some might say that I was in denial, but I was not. I was thoroughly and completely, totally, 100% counting on God to put gifts under our Christmas tree.

Why? Am I crazy, you ask? Well, I might be, but there was some reasoning behind my line of thinking.

Let me back up a little.

2012 was the worst year of my life. We spent 11 months (2 of those in 2011) wondering if my husband was going to prison for tax crimes he did not knowingly or willingly commit. Because of this, we were out of relationship with several family members who were, admittedly, at a loss of whose side to take, and, on top of that, Eric lost his job because he couldn't carry an insurance license in Ohio due to the tax crime issue. We had one month of part-time employment followed by a month of unemployment, but, since Eric was an independent agent, there were no unemployment checks gracing our mailbox.

That's enough to put anyone over the edge, don't you think?

That...is only part of the story.

We also spent the entire year of 2012 watching my mom's health go up and down on a roller-coaster, with each hill being a little lower than the last until she finally passed away on December 12, 2012. 14 days later, my Dad called because he couldn't breathe. He slipped into a coma and passed away three days later on December 29th.

And I don't want to forget to mention that, also in December, smack in between my parents' funerals, my father-in-law went to federal prison for the above mentioned tax crimes, a sentence from which the Lord graciously shielded Eric at the very last minute because the Lord knew His innocence.

Praise God!

Are you shaking your head yet? I bet you are. Some of you probably have had to pick your jaws off the floor. If you know us at all and have not yet heard this story, your reaction is probably very similar to everyone who has already heard it. "She has to be exagerating!" "This can't be real."

I thought those exact words many times, and there were certainly days when all I wanted to do was go to bed because there was solace and escape in sleeping.

You can imagine that there were moments when I found it hard to breathe, impossible to think, when I wasn't sure I was capable of putting my feet on the floor in the morning or crawling off the couch, but the Lord carried me through it all. Federal courtrooms, emergency rooms, weeks of hospital wards, needles, chemotherapy, visits with federal officers, that early morning phone call from Dad saying Mom was gone, and holding Daddy's hand as he breathed his final breath...

I did it, not because I am someone especially strong because what I learned about myself is that I am weak. So very, very weak. I did what I had to do because, in my opinion, there was no other choice. I would love to tell you I did it with grace, but I can't say that. There was sometimes yelling, tears, falling apart. There were words said that should not have been said to the people I love most. I did not always handle it all with grace.

I remember my entire body aching from the stress of it all, feeling like my feet literally weighed 50 pounds as I stepped into the hospital parking lot to visit with my mother as she suffered terribly.

And December was the worst month ever. December, my favorite month! The month of music and happiness and joy and lights and Jesus!!!

So, knowing that God always knows what we need, and knowing in my heart what my children needed this month, I knew there would be happiness, joy, and, yes, even gifts. Somehow, I knew God would put gifts under the tree.

And He did.

But before that, as I have said in previous posts, He gave me joy in the journey of Christmas this month. He gave my whole family joy this Christmas. There were a few rough days when we approached that December 12th anniversary, but we pushed through it. And today? Today is the December 29th anniversary, the day my daddy breathed his last. I didn't know how I would handle this day. It is the last of the days I felt like I would have to survive this year. For that, I am thankful, but I am also thankful that I am not a mess. I am not falling apart.

There is a part of me that wants to remember those moments, holding Daddy's hand, stroking his arm as he lay almost lifeless in the critical care unit.

Why?

Because God brought me through it. Because those were my last moments with my dad. Because it was a privilege to be the one at his side in that moment. An impossibly painful privilege, but a privilege, no less.

I felt God there with me even though I knew in my heart that my daddy was gone long before he stopped breathing.

Daddy loved Christmas. So did Mom.

I sometimes wonder if Christmas even registers on the radar in heaven. God definitely placed emphasis on feasts and celebration and remembrance in the Bible, so I want to think that Jesus coming to earth is something worth remembering there too. What we make of Christmas, the gifts, carols, decorations, the television specials, and the dreaded commercialization, are not things that God probably cares too much about, but there is something to be said for God caring because He knows that we care. Afterall, He cares for us, does He not?

Somewhere around mid-month, I finally had my kids make Christmas lists because, when someone asked me what they wanted, I had no idea how to answer them. None. My kids are not exposed to a lot of media advertising, and they are not by nature "I want that" kind of kids. The next day, someone else called and said, "So tell me what your kids want for Christmas."

And then she went shopping with some friends, people we don't even know!

That's right. God put gifts under our Christmas tree.

And God didn't stop there. We were given the opportunity to shop for our kids with gift cards that were given to us.

And we were given the opportunity to pay several bills, put gas in our van, and buy groceries. Remember that there was no paycheck for most of a month, and, still, our needs were met.

We even had enough to fix our very broken down van when the alternator went out.

And we were given another super-duper awesomely spectacular Christmas gift surprise which I will blog about in a seperate post because it was so great.

In the end, we spent very, very little on our kids compared to what most households spend on their children. Under our tree were things our kids needed, like pajama pants, slippers, and sweatshirts. There were also fun surprises that caused their faces to light up brighter than the tree itself.

If I really broke it all down for you, you would agree with me. God abundantly blessed us far beyond anything we could have asked or imagined. Did we need gifts under our tree?

No.

What we needed was to remember the joy of the season, not the secular "spirit of Christmas" that is regarded so highly in the movies and music of the season, but the real joy that comes in knowing that all these trees with lights and ornaments, all the houses glowing with decorations, all these community and church gatherings...they wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the Savior. He came here, to earth, for us. He didn't have to. He lived His earthly life knowing He would die a painful death for us. Can any of us truly say we have loved like that?

That is enough. Gifts under the tree don't compare to the gift in the manger and the gift on the cross.

But because God loves us so much and wanted to bless us beyond anything we imagined, because He wanted us to remember all that He has done for us, to tell His story, to share His Word, and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He delights in us...

He gave us this gift of Christmas presents surrounding our sparkling Christmas tree.

Because He loves us, and He wanted to give us a little extra...

Joy.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Merry, Joy-filled, Happy, Hope-filled Christmas!

25 Days of Christmas 2013: Days 20-25

December 20th: Cookie baking. We made Russian teacakes with gluten-free flour, and we couldn't tell the difference! Woot!

December 21st: We were supposed to go to Roscoe Village to the tree lighting, but, between a broken down car and torrential rain, we opted to skip it. Once the car was fixed, we took the kids to shop for each other around 8:00 that evening, and that was a blast for them!

December 22nd: Swanson/Killiany Caroling Party. Lukas played Silent Night on the guitar, and Ava sang with him.

December 23rd: Gift Wrapping. The kids wrapped gifts for each other and gifts for Eric and me. Here is a photo of Eric with the gift from the kids. Lukas did not approve of the rhythm in this photo, but Ava went ALL OUT!

December 24th: Christmas Eve service at church

December 25th: CHRISTMAS DAY!!! We used Mama's china and her holly Christmas glasses.

25 Days of Christmas 2013: December 13-19

December 13th: Dress Rehearsal

December 14th: Movie Night, Miracle on 34th Street

December 15th: An Out of the Box Christmas Performance

December 16th: Lukas' Spiritual Birthday (anniversary of the day he became a Christian). He made and decorated this cake himself!

December 17th: Craft, Victorian Crackers. They're filled with candy and are supposed to be cracked open and enjoyed on Christmas.

December 18th: Christmas Extravaganza, a night of music at church. You should have seen Ava with the hulu-hoop!

December 19th: Kids' Choice Movie

Getting to the Joy

I did not enjoy getting our Christmas decorations down from the attic. 

No I did not. 

Not that anyone enjoys the process of going into their only-visited 4x a year attic, but I didn't want the stuff in my house at all. With every box opened, my chest grew tighter. My head felt foggier. I felt grief tug at all my muscles. I couldn't decide where anything should be set. I couldn't decide if we should use anything that was my mother's. I kept thinking, "Mom loved Christmas. She loved to decorate. She wants you to decorate (yes, I talk to myself in third person), and she wants her stuff to be used by someone who will love it," but my heart wasn't in it.

At all.

"For the kids. Gotta do it for the kids."

"No. Do it for you. You need this. Do it for yourself."

It took me two days to do what normally takes less than one, and the dining room tree was still in storage. I was finally satisfied with most of the decorations. The tree, admittedly, looked beautiful in our living room, but all over the tree, the one I see every single morning as soon as I come down my stairs, the one I stare at throughout the day, is my mother. 

The Rudolph ornament set she gave to us our first Christmas, when we were still students and would have had nothing to put on a tree but strings of popcorn and cranberries.

Fred and Wilma, a brown and pink gingerbread couple with my toddler teeth marks, a hand-crafted snowman from a craft bizaar...heirlooms she chose for our tree years ago.

Pearl white nativity, porcelain nutcracker that plays real music, angel glittering gold...each year of my marriage represented by some ornament she chose especially for us.

Snowglobe with actual water, purple ballet slippers, Dora the Explorer, Peter Pan...she bought ornaments for the children each year too.

My tree, in so many ways, is her tree too, and she isn't even here to see it. It sports my "White Christmas" angel, as I call her, and my silver garland, and my Mickey Mouse ornaments and homemade child crafts, candy canes, and travel souviniers, but, when I look at it, it is just as much her as it is me. We had similar taste.

These are good things.

I added only a few things to the tree that were hers because I couldn't bear to add too much yet. 

Two plastic ornaments, one red and one gold, that my mother told me my grandmother gave to her when she got married. I remember my grandparents having the same ornaments on their own tree when I was a little girl.

One hand-painted ceramic ornament I remember Mom making when I was a little girl.

After four or five days of looking at the Christmas tree and yelling at it (only in my head), the village, the mantle dressed in red candles and stockings and candlestick holders that spell out "JOY," I decided I loved all of it.

I mixed just enough of Mama into my own favorite things.

And one week after the first tree was dressed for the season, we put the second tree in the dining room and decorated it in all it's finery. Every time I walk past the dining room, I stop to look at it. It is breathtaking. It brings me joy.

There are moments when I miss my mother profusely, and all of these Christmas decorations stirred all those feelings to the surface, but it isn't just Mom that the decorations reflect.

It's Daddy too.

They both loved Christmas.

And what would they want for me this Christmas season? 

Joy.

And I have it. 

I am living the Christmas legacy my parents left to me, and I am remembering deeper that the sweet little Christ child became a man and died so that I could live.

I know so many people who lost a parent this past year, and I pray that, no matter how hard this season is for each of us, that we remember that our loved ones want joy for us. Yes, I miss my parents so much that sometimes I physically ache, but I always have joy.

Always joy.

Choose it.

25 Days of Christmas 2013: The First Half

25 Days of McEvoy Christmas. It's the kind of thing you start with your kids when you move to a new city a couple months before Christmas, and you have no family, friends, or church with whom you can spend your holiday season. Your husband is working a job that won't allow you to travel to see family, so you are pretty much living in opposite land. 

Opposite land = the place where musicians don't play or sing or rehearse or perform at all during the Christmas season. 

That was us in 2004. Lukas was 3. Ava was a baby. I developed the 25 Days of McEvoy Christmas as a way to fill that lonely season with a little extra joy and fun. It was fun, and it has become a much loved annual tradition, though we are much busier during the holiday season these days.

However...

Last year, it didn't happen. Life circumstances prevented us from making it work, though we did try to some extent. This year, it has been happening, but I think my passion is waning a little. Maybe it's a little bit of the holiday season blues, which not even I can blame myself for having a touch of this year.

That said, while I don't have a spectacular list of fabulous projects and activities to offer you in list form, nor have I taken a daily photo of every single thing we have done (though I have taken many), here is what we have done thus far:

December 1st: Paperchains. I did not force my 12 and almost 10 year old children to make paperchains, but they are die-hard traditionalists.

December 2nd: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!

December 3rd: 3-D snowflakes (these are huge!)(and look! I'm in the picture!)

December 4th: We read The Story of the Candy Cane/Placed Candy Canes on Tree

December 5th: Charlie Brown Christmas

December 6th: St Nicholas Day, We read The Story of Saint Nicholas

December 7th: Live Nativity at our church (forgot my camera, but here's a pic from last year)

December 8th: Family Day: We played games and watched Christmas movies

 

December 9th: Pomander Balls. These smell SO GOOD! We made these several years ago too, but, this time, we found an easier way, and it went along with our school study of Victorian  Christmas as we have been reading A Christmas Carol.

December 10th: Christmas stories from the Weekly Reader book I have had since I was a little girl.

Decmeber 11th: Oops. I was working on the set and the sound for the children's musical that is coming up this weekend, and, by the time we were done, nothing else happened. It was almost 10 by the time we got home!

December 12th: CMA Country Christmas. Truthfully, we watched the first half of this on Sunday, and we finished it tonight because I couldn't muster up the energy to plan and do a craft project with the kids.

So that's that. I'll post more pics later this month. Anyone else out there doing this or something similar? It is a great way to keep the focus of the season where it belongs, on the Lord and family!

In All Things...Thanksgiving

Two things you need to know before reading this post:

1. I'm going to live through the next month or so on my blog, and it will not always be happy, and I might write through tears at times, and the writing may not be great. In fact, the writing is unlikely to even be mediocre. Some posts will likely be play-by-play, "how I lived through" this moment in time.
 
2. Thanksgiving. I love it. I look forward to it. I enjoy the purpose, the ambiance, the family, cooking with family, relaxing together, laughing, talking...It's always a joy. 

I wasn't sure I would have any of that this year. I prayed for joy (and I continue to do so now). I invited some of my aunts and uncles for the holiday thinking that I absolutely could not be alone on Thanksgiving, not that I would technically be "alone" with my husband and kids in the house, but we were facing two empty chairs at our table this year, as most of you know. Typically I host my parents and whoever else can make it each year for Thanksgiving. I like a full house on this holiday. Two years ago, we had my parents, one uncle, and an Amish family of 6!

It turned out to be a lovely day. My Aunt Bonnie and Uncle John came down from Toledo on Wednesday and stayed until Friday afternoon. I got a lot of baking and cooking prep done on Wednesday, and Thanksgiving Day cooking was relatively relaxed. I almost forgot to make potatoes, and the turkey roaster came unplugged who knows when (I checked it the old-fashioned way without a thermometer), but the meal was perfect and served 45 minutes into the one hour window I gave myself, which is what I call "on time." And, Bonus! Uncle Frank stopped by for a little while.

I wasn't sure how this holiday would go. I missed my parents profusely leading up to it. I had a dream early on Thanksgiving morning (after the turkey was in the oven and I was sleeping on the couch), and, in that dream, Mom sat holding my hand while runner her other hand along my brow as I slept. I felt Mom's presence and absense in many ways, and I felt Dad's too. 

When dinner was over and I realized I forgot the cranberry sauce? I remembered the Christmas two years ago when I did that exact same thing, but Dad was too polite to say anything and ate his meal without it even though he made sure I had bought some. When I deviated from my mom's dressing recipe in order to make a gluten-free version, I thought about how much my mama would not like that dressing stuffed into the turkey (it was fantastic, by the way!), and I smiled a little.

Hmm. I just realized as I was reflecting on last Thanksgiving that I actually wore the same sweater this Thanksgiving Day that my mama wore on her very last earthly Thanksgiving Day. Mama's cozy chenille sweater can't be beaten.

So, on this holiday that I thought would likely be the most difficult of all, I managed to mostly hold myself together. There were some tears in the kitchen, and pangs of lonliness, which were deepest when I made Mama's Apple Pie. 

Oh how Daddy loved that pie...

There is so much to be thankful for. Can you imagine giving thanks in heaven? That's what my folks are doing, and they get the whole "give thanks continually" thing and don't require a single day, set aside for giving thanks. That has been my focus this year, giving thanks in all circumstances, all year long, while riding a roller-coaster of emotions, when life feels catastrophic and lonely, and your heart feels crushed...

Give thanks.

Thanksgiving in all things.

All circumstances.

All the time.

Thank you, Father, for holding them in Your loving, safe arms. Thank You, Father, for taking away their pain and giving them perfect healing. Thank You for provision, for Aunt Bonnie and Uncle John, for kids who are exuberant and kind and helpful, for a husband who prays me through it all. Thank You, Father, for all You have taught me this year. I love You.

Easter Photos

We got so many great photos on Easter that I wanted to post a bunch. If you haven't read my last post, you'll find some photos at the end of it. Here are some more!

 Sweet Willow Rose, my cousin's littlest one.

 We colored brown eggs this year. They turned out well!

 Time for serious photos. 

 My nephew, Rowen, in the rhododendron. I promise his dad was holding him there.

 My nephew, Zack.

 My Aunt Linda is a Grandma.

 My lovely sister, Cassie.

 My mom's youngest brother, Darren, and his wife, Marilou.

 My parents. I love them. :)

 Mom with three of her 5 siblings.

 Love this sweet niece of mine.

 Finally got a pic of my cousin, Corey, and his wife, Teanna.

 My Aunt Bonnie and her husband, John.

 My sister and brother-in-law.

And, finally, me with a handsome man.

Spring Break

Spring break. A luxury I said we were going to skip. Ha! I should know better. My sister and her family showed up the Sunday before Easter, a remarkable blessing because they were in Ohio for an entire week. We had the great privilege of having them at our house all day on Monday, and then I had the incredible privilege of hanging out with her kids all day on Tuesday while Cassie took Mom to chemotherapy. After that, we technically could have taken a couple days off school, but we didn't. It was all kinds of little things that really just screamed, "give up!" so I did. It was worth it.

Throughout last week, it was up in the air whether or not our extended family from Toledo would be here for Easter. On Friday, I got the news that 10 of them were coming, and several of those were staying at our house. Blessings!!! I was so completely excited. Mom was completely surprised. Hosting my aunts, uncles, and cousins was a blast. I would do it again tomorrow if I could. I hope I do get to do it again. It was...a blessing. I wish there was a word to describe it that was bigger than blessing, but, of course, nothing is bigger than a blessing. I guess it was a...monumental blessing. 

Easter worship was fantastic also. Our worship leader has been putting some incredible worship sets together recently, and Easter was no exception. It is nice to belong to a church family. We very much enjoyed being a part of our very large church in Grove City, but that isn't really what we need right now. We need the closeness of a family-focused church, and we have that here. Celebrating the resurrection with this church family of ours was wonderful. 

We wrapped our spring break up on Monday with a day off. Spring "break" was exhausting. The kids were begging to stay home for a full day. I was so wiped out. Plus, we always take the Monday after Easter off. It was the best day! It was also the day that we recognized having lived here for one year, but that is a topic for another post. 

Here are some picture moments from our Easter Sunday for you to enjoy.

 Kiddos dressed in the Easter Sunday clothes.

 My nephew, Jerison, climbing in our rhododendron.

 James, my cousin's little boy, watching Ava blow bubbles.

 My youngest cousin, Sunny, on my Mom's side of the family. 

 Mom with three of her siblings.

 Most of the grown-ups who weren't taking the pictures. Corey and his fam were hiding from the cameras.

Lukas with my nephew, Zack.

See more pics in a second post!

25 Days of Christmas Days 21-22

Day 21

Christmas Extravaganza

Our church had a special service filled with tons of musical talent. There are some amazing musicians in our church, and this gave all of us a chance to minister with our gifts. I cannot even tell you with words how blessed I was by some of the great singing and playing we heard last night. The first photo is some of the KidStuf kids singing some Christmas songs to kick things off.

Eric sang "Mary, Did You Know?" I asked him to sing it because he's amazing and the song is perfect for his voice. It seriously makes my heart melt when my husband sings this song. 

Have you ever heard the lyrics to this song? They are incredible. Just think about Mary kissing the face of God. It gets me so completely excited to think about that. Today, I read the story of Mary beginning when she first heard from Gabriel through her visit with Elizabeth, and I am in awe of who Mary was. Whatever God handed her, she willingly accepted it. She didn't complain knowing how people would react when they discovered her pregnancy. And can you imagine how much her heart hurt when Jesus was on the cross? I know how much my heart hurts when my kids hurt, but Mary's pain had to be so much greater. This is a woman of great character. I want to be more like Mary, more like Jesus!

I may have gotten a little side-tracked there, so back to the rest of Day 21.

I sang a song called "I Believe" originally recorded by Natalie Grant. I love Natalie Grant. I'm certain I didn't do her song justice, but I loved singing it!

I also got to play "Carol of the Bells" with a flute quartet. I've played with these ladies a couple times now, and I enjoy it every time. It is so nice to have opportunities to use what God has given me to minister through music.

Day 22

Gift Wrapping Day

I can't post the gifts, but I can post a very messy photo of our wrapping supplies. I can assure you, this was once very well organized. And then we moved. And this is what came out of my attic. 

Three days to go!!! I'm super excited to spend some more quality time with my favorite people! More photos to come!

25 Days of Christmas Days 16-20

I realize I'm not doing much better than I was at keeping up with my 25 Day blog posts. This month has been crazy busy, and this is in spite of the fact that we limited our calendar this season. In fact, we've been on a school break for a week and a half, and I'm still waiting for a day off! Maybe next week, right? 

Day 16

Lukas' Spiritual Birthday

When I was growing up, I was introduced to the idea of celebrating spiritual birthdays by my best friend, Sarah. Her family had cake and a special dinner to celebrate the day each child asked Jesus into their heart. We have grown to love this tradition with our kids. This year, for Lukas' 7th spiritual birthday, the kids decorated a Little Drummer Boy Cake. They had so much fun doing it even though it was cut into about 30 minutes later. On an unrelated note, Ava does not suddenly wear glasses. They were a prop in a play the kids were in last year.

Day 17

Cookie Baking Day

Powdered sugar faces. Ava put more on her own face than she splashed on mine. We always spend a Saturday in December baking cookies, making fudge and other treats. We began this tradition the very first year of our marriage in our little upstairs apartment in Marion, Indiana, and now the kids look forward to it as much as we do. This year, we made Russian teacakes, thumbprints, oatmeal cinnamon chip bars, chocolate fudge, and saltine toffee. The kids are still holding out for sugar cookie cut-outs and peanut butter cookies. It is a good thing we give so much of these treats away!!!

Day 18

Christmas Party with friends

Our friends, the Killianys, hosted a Christmas party at their home along with Sarah's parents, the Swansons. Incidentally, this is the same family I mentioned above with the spiritual birthday photos. We had an amazing evening singing and worshiping with them and many other familiar faces and then enjoyed some sweet fellowship afterward. 

Day 19

Christmas Card Making

I love glitter. It is always worth the mess. Shiny things make me happy. Very, very happy. This is what my table looked like this morning since I let the kids leave the mess overnight so they could make more cards today. So worth the sparkles!

Day 20

Santa Claus Visit

Since we ended up at the mall today, and there was NO ONE waiting to see Santa, we surprised the kids with a visit. The children are certain this was not the REAL Santa. Their explanations for this were varied and hilarious including the fact that he was much too short to be Santa, his beard wasn't long enough and Santa absolutely has to be at the North Pole this week. Lukas kept giving me a look like I was crazy to even ask that question. I'm still not sure what is behind that look. Let it be known that I purposefully didn't dress them up for this year's Santa visit because they would have caught onto the surprise, and, had their been an extensive line to see Santa, there wouldn't have been a surprise. Also, Ava chose her crazy outfit today. When you are 7, you can wear anything. 

I make no promises about my future posts other than to say that days 21-25 will get posted either in increments or all at once. Haha! Check back soon!